A LETTER TO LINDA
My Dear Linda
I am flattered that you should seek my advice on how to respond to your partner’s suggestion that you should try experimenting with bondage.
Firstly, let me reassure you that there is nothing ‘wrong’ with bondage, provided that you both participate willingly. It can give you great pleasure and harms nobody.
I’m sure that you have viewed bondage images on the internet. These certainly illustrate the ’how’ of bondage and may give you both many ideas. More important is the ‘why’ of bondage - what excites you and what doesn’t.
Some people really want to be mistreated, humiliated and hurt, but I doubt that that appeals to you. For most of us, bondage is a fantasy world where we can act out these fantasies under conditions where we can feel sure that that will not happen. There are bondage story sites which will help you understand how different people get turned on by different things, and how important fantasy is to the participants.
You must, however, think things out carefully before you begin. You need to decide on what limits should be imposed, and you must trust your partner not to go beyond these. This trust is absolutely essential – if you have doubts about whether your partner can be trusted in this way, the answer should be “No!”.
If you both wish to go ahead and once you have agreed on the limits, you should agree a safety word or tune, which stops things dead if spoken or hummed. The willing victim needs to put it to the back of their mind for the duration of the session, only to be recalled if absolutely necessary. The one imposing the bondage must never forget it, and always listen out for it.
In general, in any bondage relationship, one acts as the dominant partner – the ‘Dom’ – and one is the submissive partner – the ‘Sub’ – although the roles can be interchangeable.
You need to think about what ideas excite you the most. These need to be turned into fantasies which you can act out. If your partner knows your fantasy, they can share it with you, and help you enjoy it to the full. As examples:
The excitement may come from allowing someone else to have you fully under their control, and having no say in what happens next. Equally, some enjoy being in a position of control. Being under someone else’s control can help you lose your inhibitions – in your fantasy, you are helpless to resist. You can hand over all sense of responsibility to your captor. For some it is simple confinement which turns them on.
For some the excitement comes from the feeling of vulnerability. In your fantasy, you are unable to resist the desires of the stranger who has discovered you bound and helpless. He can do what he wishes to you. Perhaps there will be more than one. It helps to be bound in such a way that you can be used without being released.
For some it is restriction of movement or confinement. Here the need may be for extremely severe bondage, so tight that you are unable to move. Tight-fitting clothing may heighten the sensation. Mummification in cooking film, bandages, sticky tape or even plaster can all play a part. Some love the idea of being packed up in a box or suitcase, and even being transported like this, adding the fear of discovery to heighten the thrill.
For some, it is this thrill at the risk of being discovered which is the most important. Not for them the security of their own home. Some are just born exhibitionists. You can find many stories on the internet describing such adventures, but I suspect many are fictitious because, where they are discovered, the outcome is always pleasurable. The risk of a stranger harming you during bondage outdoors is always there.
Some enjoy inflicting or receiving various degrees of pain. I have never been into this, although I do enjoy very tight bondage where I am held in a physically stressful position.
Different forms of bondage achieve different effects.
The Sub can be simply locked up in some form of cage. Generally, this is more of a turn-on for the Dom than the Sub.
Ropes can be the most restrictive, although they do offer the possibility of escape if not done well. They are the most likely to leave marks on your skin which could take some time to fade.
Cuffs, padlocks and chains are generally escape-proof but seldom offer the same feeling of constriction.
Lace-up leather clothes and binders are expensive but extremely effective, provided they fit properly.
Cling-film, duct tape, bandages and even plaster can mummify you and keep you helpless.
In general, what you wear can affect both the Sub and the Dom. Everyday clothing should be avoided as it offers little extra to either’s fantasies.
Complete nakedness is for me rather pointless indoors, but can be a turn-on for the Dom, and can be particularly exciting for both when combined with outdoor bondage, where there is the risk of discovery;
Minimal underwear heightens the sense of vulnerability and exposure. Where the desire is to excite the partner, partial exposure can be more powerful that actual nakedness. I sometimes wear a string-tie bikini as it is always easy to remove. The Dom is left to decide when to remove it, depending on what is going to happen to the Sub. A basque, stockings and a G-String can excite passions.
Leotards, tights and catsuits emphasise the body shape and allow maximum flexibility without the same degree of exposure. I tend to wear a quarter-cup bra under Lycra to make the most of my assets whilst leaving my nipples free to respond when things get exciting. Where you are the Dom, you need to emphasise that you are in control, both of the Sub and of access to your body. Boots, fishnet tights and a black leotard draw the eye to the main areas of interest, without offering any prospect of access. Anything which you wear as well should serve to emphasise this. If you are the Sub, crotchless tights or body-stocking and a leotard, or a zippered-crotch catsuit surrender control to the Dom.
Corsetry and some leatherwear add to the feeling of constriction. Lace-up thigh-length boots are classic but expensive. A tight-fitting corset will reduce your flexibility, but you can both have the fun whilst lacing it up.
Rubber clothing is expensive and is not really satisfying if it doesn’t fit properly. You can try out small off-the-shelf items, but it may pay to get larger items made-to-measure if you decide that rubber is for you, unless you are lucky and are an absolutely standard shape. As well as the restricting feeling you get from the rubber, you will find that it can also hold your body heat in, helping you get really turned on.
The question of various sex toys will come up inevitably. It has been my experience that having inert plugs inserted offers little if you are unable to move. It is much more fun if you are walking round with them inside you, even in public, and no-one need ever know. If you are to be held immobile, vibrating toys offer far more, particularly if they are skilfully used by the Dom. For me, the ideal combination is a vibrating butt plug, vibrating love balls inside me, and a vibrating butterfly properly held in place. Even when I can’t move a muscle, my partner can control each to gradually work me up into a frenzy.
The Sub can be simply restrained with wrists and ankles locked together. Extra restraints at knees and elbows or with the ankles and wrists drawn closely together, all add to the effectiveness and severity of the constraint. Alternatively, the victim can be secured to something. Being tightly spread-eagled face-up on the bed offers little chance of escape and maximum vulnerability. You won’t be going anywhere with your wrists tied together behind a tree or a pole. At its simplest, a padlocked chain is all that is needed
Once fully restrained, the Sub has no control over what happens next. It is time to immerse yourselves in your fantasy. If the Sub is blindfolded with ears plugged, this can intensify the sense of touch, and it loosens the reins on the imagination.
If you are going to allow the Sub to be gagged, remember that there must be no obstruction to their breathing. The most effective gags seal the mouth, so the Sub has to be able to breathe freely through their nose. The Dom must then listen out in case the Sub starts to hum the safety tune – they can never be left alone in reality.
The bound Sub should struggle to escape. This will probably excite you both! This can be followed with intimate contact between you. Caressing and even tickling a bound Sub can heighten the pleasure and sense of helplessness. Perhaps a strong Dom can pick the Sub up and carry them away somewhere. A blindfolded Sub with arms bound can be led to who knows where – into the car to be driven away and dumped somewhere. Your fantasies can be played out as fully as you dare and, if you are blindfolded, who is to say how far things are really going!
Both of you can really get turned on if you have sex whilst one is in bondage, but you need to plan carefully to make sure that it can be done. Then, you are relying on the expertise of the Dom. No “Wham, Bang, Thank You Mam” here. The Dom needs to know exactly what will turn their Sub on, and how to make it build up gradually to a climax. If they really know their partner well, they can even hold their Sub just short of a climax, heightening the eventual release. It is well worth practicing.
It is possible for both to be in bondage at the same time, with each able to be released only by the other. If you are going to do this, or if one of you is going to tie themselves up and wait for their partner to get home, careful planning is necessary. Things can go wrong, so a failsafe fall-back is needed. It is relatively easy to place yourself in bonds from which you cannot escape – chain yourself up with the keys out of reach, or use self tightening knots with no access to a knife or scissors. The sorts of release mechanisms used in self-bondage can be used – you can read about the use of ice to delay access to keys or knife on the internet. This does seem pretty reliable. Alternatively, you can make use of a trustworthy friend to come in and check all is well after a set time.
If, at any time, you elect to involve a third person, you need to decide just how much involvement you want:
At one end of the spectrum, a friend could be invited to drop round later without their knowing why. You can call them and put them off or delay them if all is well.
If one of you is going to wait in bondage for their partner to come home, your friend could also help in placing you in bondage, and then act as safety in case they don’t come home for any reason.
If both of you want to be in bondage at once, the friend may be willing to help do the job properly, but this is starting to ask a lot of them, particularly if you wish to have sex whilst so tied. They are really becoming a full partner in your bondage, and may wish to join in to a greater or lesser extent. Generally blokes are more reluctant to be Sub to another bloke, so you may prefer to involve a woman from the outset.
Some people like the idea of exhibiting their bound Sub to their friends. You just need to cover this in your discussions of what is acceptable beforehand. You may be able to stop it with the safety word or tune, but it might be too late by then.
On the internet, you will come across pictures of Subs suspended in different ways. This can be fun but can be very painful if not done properly. Ropes will cut in deeply and will quickly cause numbness unless padding is used under the ropes or multiple suspension points are used to share out your weight. I prefer to use leather suspension cuffs which cut in less. You will quickly find out how stressful suspension is for your body. If you are suspended by your wrists, your shoulders will be under a lot of strain and breathing can become difficult. If you are suspended by your ankles, you may start to feel nauseous – different people react in different ways. If you want to try this, experiment first to see how much you can take.
The world of bondage is vast and diverse. In general, my advice is to start small, and build up until you get the pleasure which you want, without going to any of the extremes which you can read about on the internet. If you want to explore these, remember that: ”it is better to give than to receive”, at least to begin with.
I hope that these thoughts prove helpful. If there is anything specific you wish to discuss, please feel free to do so. If any practical sessions would help, they might be fun.
Your loving aunt.