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|© Copyright 2013 - Jo - Used by permission|
|Bitch's Brew Jo MMM; M+/f+; halloween; monsters; bar; crypt; boxed; humour; cons; X|
A vampire, werewolf, and mummy walk into a bar. No. Really. They walk into a bar. They grabbed three stools. The bitch came over. The bitch is actually a witch, but, you know, witches have a bad rap, Salem and all that, so she goes by Bitch.
"Well, look what the gargoyle dragged in. You look like the walking dead...and I mean that in a good way."
The three fiends laughed, although she'd said that every time they'd come in...for centuries. Well, except for Wolfie. He had a normal human life, kind of.
"What's good, Bitch?"
"Got a fresh batch of brew. Probably'd kill you if you weren't already dead. Wolfie, you might want to think twice about this."
"No. I'm cool. Yeah. Give me one."
They nodded. The bitch left and they turned their attention to the game.
"Oh, man! Did you see that? Give that guy an Oscar for best flop."
"I don't know, Wolfie. They're bringing in a stretcher."
"Oh, come on. It's soccer, about as fake as the WWF."
"I saw a women's match. Girl got banged up pretty bad and they stapled her face together or something. She went back in to play."
"Oh, come on."
The bitch came back with three mugs.
"Here you go, guys."
The werewolf took a sip, choked, gagged. The vampire slapped him on the back.
"Dude, you okay?"
The werewolf nodded, tears running through his fur. He took another sip.
"Smooth," he gasped.
The other's laughed.
"Hey, Tut, haven't seen you out in just about forever."
His name wasn't Tut, but they all called him that.
"Blame the minions. They only let me out when they need me."
"Yeah. I never got that. I mean why not just stay out?"
"Same as you. Your casket is your home. Can't get too far from it."
"But it's not the same. I need the dirt."
"Yeah. Yeah. I dunno. It's just home to me. That and I wouldn't last too long on the outside. You and Wolfie pass for human, but me?"
"Speaking of sex."
"Were we speaking of sex?"
"No, but I didn't have a good segue. I had a killer time at homecoming."
"You mean that literally, of course."
"Nah. I bit 'em, but I didn't let them drink my blood. They're fine. But I had a pretty good feast. Got a couple of virgins, if you can believe that."
"You've said that before. You can actually taste the difference."
"Yeah. I'm kind of a blood connoisseur, you know."
"So I've heard."
"Caught quite a secondhand alcohol buzz, I'll tell you what."
The others laughed.
"You were out, weren't you? I read something about a mutilated body."
The werewolf sipped his drink, winced as it went down.
"Yeah. Matter of fact it was one of your girls. Had the bite marks on her wrist."
"They said the girl had been attacked by a wild animal."
"Well, duh. Hello! What part of werewolf did you miss."
"Said the body was only half eaten. What? Are you on a diet or something."
The werewolf patted his furry belly.
"Gotta keep my girlish figure. Have you ever see a fat wolf?"
"Not that I recall."
"You've been out, Tut. Anything new in your world?"
"The usual. Virgin sacrifice. You know how that goes. The minions let me out of my crypt and they had this girl in a cage."
"A virgin, of course."
"Can't have a virgin sacrifice without one. Anyway, they tie her down to a cross, an x-frame."
"What? No altar?"
"You ever tried to do it on an altar?"
"Can't say that I have."
"Well, they've got her drugged. I mean the lights were on, but nobody was home. So one of the minions carves a sign between her tits. She had seriously nice tits."
"Mm. A fig."
"A fig? WTF, man?!"
The mummy shrugged.
"Beats me. They're minions not archeologists. I would have said something, but the last time I tried that they all ran screaming from the cavern. So if they want to think a fig is a magical sign, who am I to argue."
"So you did her."
"Can I tell this, please?"
"So I did her. It was good. I find virgin blood, er, invigorating. I licked some of the blood from between her tits and-"
"Yeah, noticed that. There's a little spot-"
"Will you please shut the fuck up! Anyway, the minions untied her, anointed her, and wrapped her in pure cotton cloth, anointed her some more, then wrapped her again in strips of cloth, put her in a box."
"A box? What? No crypt?"
"Uh uh. She spends a month in a cedar box, then they put her in a proper sarcophagus."
"You said crypt."
"Can you pronounce sarcophagus?"
"Well, there you go."
"And they do, what? Like establish a new order around the mummy's bride?"
"Something like that."
"But they don't let her out."
"It wouldn't do any good, now, would it?"
The bitch came over.
But before they could answer she glanced over her shoulder. The three fiends turned. A girl came into the bar. She had this Goth thing going on with dark lips, dark makeup, black hair. She wore a deep purple mini-dress that looked like satin. Layers of black lace petticoats peeked from below the hem. She had black lace opera gloves on, black lace stockings, and a pair of black fuck-me pumps, which really didn't go with the outfit. It didn't matter, though. The fiends did what fiends everywhere do - they checked out her rack. She had a huge rack. The top of the dress fit tight, like a corset, and her tits all but spilled out over the edge. She glanced at the three and smiled.
"Can I help you?"
"Uh, yeah. My car died out front. I was just driving along and it just died. So I pulled into your lot. I tried to call AAA, but I couldn't get a signal."
"That happens. I've got a land line out back. Give me your card and I'll call them."
The girl fished her wallet out of a black, cinch pouch, dug out the card, handed it to the bitch.
"Want a drink?"
"Uh, sure, Bud Light?"
The bitch reached a bottle from the cooler, popped the cap.
"Be right back."
The girl sipped her beer, looked at the fiends.
They said hi back.
"You, uh, you guys look really cool. Where did you get your costumes? They look so real."
"What? This old thing?" Tut chuckled. "Had it for just about ever."
"Are you going to a party or something?"
Just then two more girls burst through the door dressed in a variation on the Goth theme.
"Sally! What's going on?! Did you call AAA?
"The bartender's calling now."
"You asked about a party?"
Sally turned to Wolfie.
"Well, now you mention it. Yeah."
He glanced at his companions,
"I think the party just came to us."
The three fiends shared a fist bump and a laugh.
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