Part I:

The air was getting really cold, but we flew on anyway. Cold enough to put frost on my wings and freeze my balls solid, but that wouldn't stop either of us. The white peaks of the mountains loomed below us as we sped through the sky.

I looked over at Cardinal, who was getting tired. He had to flap a lot more than I did, because of the shorter wingspan. But neither of us would be stopped. We were on a mission.

I gritted my teeth and stuck my beak downward to ease up on the wind drag.

After a little while, Cardinal turned to me and said, "Hell with it, Jay, I'm tired. It's time for a breather!"

"Are you sure?", I asked. Before I got an answer, he had tilted his wings and swooped down towards one of the snow-capped peaks below. "Well, crap", I muttered. "At this rate, we'll never find Mountain Lion's secret base!"

I flew down after him, and he was already well on his way down, gaining speed. "Watch OUT!", I called down to him, "you're going to crash!"

He made a loud PUFF noise as he landed in the snow. All I could see was his red, gloved hand as I landed on the snow and walked over to him. He wiggled his fingers at me as I tilted my head to one side and looked at his lone hand.

I reached down and yanked him out of the snow. His shiny red, spandex costume was covered with white snow as he brushed it off of the chest of his leotards and down to his tights. "Are you out making snow Caridinals?", I asked. "Sorry about that, Jay. Ice got on my wings and I couldn't pull out fast enough." Shaking his feathers and flapping his wings, he got the last of the snow off as I jumped back. "Hey, watch it! This spandex suit is brand new!", I said.

"Where the hell are we, anyway?", he asked me, looking around.

"We should be pretty close to the base", I said, looking at my map that I kept behind my back, held in by my superhero belt behind my wings and cape. "But that's if it's really where it is. And getting in will be the hard part."

We were looking for Mountain Lion, an evil supervillan who, like most supervillans his age, was well into a bid for world domination. Only what made him particularly evil was that he planned to take over the world by controlling the world's supply of lycra. Control it, and the superheroes of the world won't have anything to wear, and they wouldn't be able to fight him (especially for those heroes whose powers were lycra-based). His first evil act was to kidnap a bunch of scientists from DuPont and blow up their chemical factory, which most of the world's supply of lycra depended on. Soon afterwards, there was a worldwide spandex shortage and the street price for tights was as high as $100. Leotards, if you could get them, were double that, and catsuits were ungodly expensive. There were heroes that had gotten into bitter squabbles over who should have which spandex items, and which ones were more important than others to save the world from this menace.

But not the Mighty Cardinal and I, Super Jayhawk. We were two of the proud order of the Birds of Spandex, and through our own private channels we had a cache of lycra superhero costumes to continue fighting evil. It also helped that Cardinal in his secret identity was a billionaire, considering how expensive lycra was getting.

As if his first assault on the world of lycra wasn't enough, Mountain Lion and his henchmen robbed most of the major spandex factory outlets in the country-- taking most of their lycra items and tying up the hapless clerks with the rest. They hit the Danskin outlet, the Capezio Castle, the Bal Togs Botique, you name it. Cardinal and I went shopping for lycra awhile ago to find one of the outlet stores totally bare and the security guards strung up in thong leotards.

But the battle was joined. A few weeks ago we found one of Mountain Lion's secret bases in the northern mountains of Idaho, where he kept his stash of the polymers that everybody needs to manufacture spandex. After we got the chemical tanks out and beat the henchmen up, we found the self-destruct for the base and blew the place up. Mountain Lion got really mad over that.

Somehow, Cardinal got a tape in the mail a little while later. He wouldn't tell me what it said, but appearently it was a message from Mountain Lion saying exactly what he would do to him after he was captured in his tights. Myself, I got a billboard off of the highway while driving to work that read, "Super Jayhawk-- Be prepared to suffer like never before!". I didn't expect to see him put up a public message like that. Blushing, I kept driving.

"Where do you think the base is from here?", Cardinal asked me as I snapped out of my reverie and my narrative to the audience. I looked around for a bit.

"Hey--", I stopped. "Look over there," I said, pointing to a peak on the horizon. He turned his head and peered for a minute. "What?", he said.

"That peak over there-- the one without any snow on it. See that?"

"Must be your Hawk-Vision again", Cardinal commented, "I can't see it."

"Well, hey, when you have to be able to see a mouse in a mile of land, you see this stuff!"

Taking off, we flew to the peak and landed on the top, to feel the blast of heat vents under our feet. "See?", I said. "The only way this peak wouldn't have any snow on it would be if the heat from the base under had melted it!"

"But how do you know it's really Mountain Lion's secret base?", Cardinal asked.

"Just a hunch", I said, as we both walked past the flashing neon, "THIS IS NOT A SECRET SUPERVILLAN BASE" sign.

Going to the other side of the peak, we found a domed skylight that was sitting flush with the peak's edge, and we peered in. Inside we could see Mountain Lion below, speaking on a stage in front of his henchmen and followers, the Mountain Cubs. They all wore masks and fur lion suits, but Mountain Lion himself looked the most impressive (of couse) with a full mane and a crown on his headmask, like he'd crowned himself king of the known cosmos already.

"Time for a spectacular entrance?", Cardinal asked, looking at me. "Spectacular entrance, definitely. Whose turn is it?", I asked.

"Well, last time you got to bust in and save all those dancewear salesmen at SpandExpo VI, over in Nashville!"

"Oh yeah", I said, remembering. Standing back, I let Cardinal lead the way.

He made a noisy CRASH through the skylight as his spandex-clad form flew in. Glass flew everywhere as I leapt in after him to land on the floor next to him.

"Your lycra-robbing days are over, Mountain Lion!", Cardinal said with a flourish of his wings. "Prepare to meet the Mighty Cardinal and Super Jayhawk!"

"Ah, the Birds of Spandex have arrived. Good, I've been expecting you", he said in a purring voice. "Get them cubs! Truss them up like chickens!"

Cardinal and I turned back to back as we loooked at the advancing henchmen, all wearing lion cub masks, as they surrounded us. "Ready to rumble?", he asked. "Ready!", I said, holding my spandex-clad gloves up in fists.

The circle collapsed in towards us as we both leapt high into the air, making half of them collide with each other. Henchmen are so much fun, most of them aren't designed for much combat. Cardinal reached across with a swoop of his wings and made a loud BIFF! sound as he knocked one of them to the floor.

I flew down with both of my yellow boots pointed squarely at two other cubs as I made a "WHAM!" noise as they fell to the ground. Meanwhile, Cardinal was over making a "POW!" sound as he knocked three of the bad guys into each other.

"Hey, you ever wonder where we get these cheesy sound effects?", he asked.

"Nah", I said. "I figure it's part of the genre."

After throwing a few more of them around, the rest of them scattered as we stood in front of the evil Mountain Lion, standing up on his stage as if he was some kind of royalty. "And now, Mountain Lion, time to take you in for grand theft-- Lycra!", I said, as we stepped up toward where he was standing.

"Not so fast, lycra-fools!", he sneered as he pushed a button on the floor. Suddenly, before you could even blink, four cage walls shot up through the floor around Cardinal and I. The roof slammed in from above, as we suddenly realized that we were trapped.

"This is the way birds should be", Mountain Lion said casually, stepping before us. "Caged and helpless. Fitting that both of you have ended up in the bird cage!"

Cardinal and I leapt to the bars, grasping them with our lycra-clad fingers as we tried desparately to bend them. "Try all you like, bird-brains!", the lion laughed as we wrestled with the bars. "These cages are designed to hold the mightiest birds in the world. Oh yes, and the weak and helpless ones like you too".

Before I could growl at him for that, a jolt ran through my body. Suddenly, I couldn't remove my hands from these cage bars I was grasping. Cardinal was shaking as he was grasping the bars, as we both suddenly realized that the cage was electrified. "Oh, did I mention, dear super-heroes, that the whole cage is wired?"

We both screamed in pain as enough voltage ran through us to light up Las Vegas. Suddenly it stopped as we fell on each other to the floor, I looked up through blurry vision to see Mountain Lion laughing maniacally as he looked at us through the cage bars. I closed my eyes as I heard him say, "All right, cubs, fit them with all the equipment! And show no mercy.." It was then that I blacked out completely as the dark filled my vision.

* * * * * * *

I woke up groggily, not knowing where the hell I was or why. My vision was still blurred as hell, but for some reason my arms and legs felt funny. So did my tail, to think about it, but I wasn't sure why or how. I looked in front of me and saw a funny blue-looking bird, and he seemed to be spread-eagled out on something, his arms and legs tied back. How strange, I thought, when to my horror my vision cleared and I saw myself on the mirrored wall across from where I was hanging. What the hell was this?

Opening and closing my eyes, I looked across at the mirror and realized that I was tied to the end of some huge tree log, about four feet across, and my arms and legs were tied back with some kind of chains. I pulled at the chains for a bit to struggle around, when I heard a familar voice from behind me. "Hey, cut it out and hold still!", Cardinal said as I stopped.

"Cardinal? Where are you?", I said, still disoriented as I tried to look behind me. "I'm on the other end of this damned log", he said. "Tied up probably the same way you are."

"Oh, great", I said, trying to get my head together. "Caught in our spandex by the bad guys, again", I groaned.

"It's worse this time. Feel between your legs."

My spine went cold when I realized that up beneath my tail feathers some evil fiend had inserted a lubricated butt plug, on the end of some long pole. I shuddered involultarily as I heard a door slam and footsteps, as the Mountain Lion walked in, regarding his two helpless victims on either end of the log.

"Well, well, what do we have here. Two helpless lycra-clad heroes about to get their just desserts", he said in a haughty voice. "I've been planning all this for you ever since you blew up my other base. I've got tortures planned for you that will make your feathers curl!", he growled as we tried to remain calm. "But first, I'll explain the predicament you're in just so you'll know how doomed you are.

He stepped over to the long trunk that both of us were tied to, one on each end, and patted it. "This is an old tree that we cut down a little while ago just for you two. It's pretty sturdy, and both of you have your hands and ankles bound to each otehr across from it." He motioned to a mirrow behind him where we could both see that our hands and legs were tied together by a length of 2-inch thick chain. I gasped at the sight of being rendered so helpess so suddenly.

"But I'm just getting started", Mountain Lion purred, as he reached down behind my back to the middle of the log. "The center of the log is hollow, the perfect place to run a pole through. On each end of the pole are vibrating butt plugs, and both of you have had your costumes 'modified' so the plug can insert far into you. Of course, we had to make a cut or two", he grinned as I growed at him, "You fiend! You know how hard it is to find a new blue lycra leotard these days!"

"Of coure I do", Mountain Lion replied nonchalantly. "I'm the one that's created the worldwide lycra shortage, remember? Anyway, to finish, both of you are hooked to each other through the butt plugs and the metal pole that runs through the length of this log. If one of you squirms or clenches up your cheeks, it puts pressure on the plug, which activates the one on the other end. The one on the other end, of course, reacts by tensing up and clenching, which torments the other one. And by giving the other your torment, you spare yourself fro it. So you are both in control of how much the other suffers!", he said with an evil cackling voice as we both gulped.

He walked around in front of me, and turned on a TV monitor hanging on the wall in front of me. Going around to the other side, he turned the other one on as I could see Mighty Cardinal's figure come into view on the screen. Doubtless he could see mine on the other one. "I have provided screens so that the mighty avian duo can see each other's agony."

Stepping in front of me again, he pointed to the metal post mounted in the floor, a few inches in front of my waist. "This", he said, "is to set off your package. All it does is hit the equipment that we've fitted you with in your briefs, and that sets it off for at least a few minutes."

In horror, I looked down at my waist to see that my briefs, normally snug against my figure, were bulging with some kind of rounded apparatus. "I'll demonstrate how this system works", he said with an evil tone to his voice.

With the flat of his paw he slapped my package beneath my superhero belt. Suddenly a throbbing started in my crotch, like a back massager, only much more intense and without all the relief. Suddenly my back arched as I realized that the villanous fiend must have had my cock wrapped with a vibrating coil with some sort of vibrator attachment! "You-lllll nevvvverr gettt awayyyyy wi-wi--wiiiiith th-iiiiiiis!", I managed to sputter as the apparatus throbbed and moved back and forth beneath my blue lycra tights.

"You see", the villan said casually, enjoying my suffering, "Now if I turn on the dual butt plugs and the pole, watch what happens".

My wriggling from the torment on the front set off the butt plug, which began to vibrate cruelly as I threw my head back and screamed a SQUUUUAWK! of despair. Suddenly I heard the desperate call of a Cardinal in trouble as the throbbing had crossed over to Mighty Cardinal. I saw him on the screen, his head back in a tense position, as he cried out a moan. Suddenly the wave came back to me again as both front and back throbbed in ecstasy as I tried to keep from being overcome. After what semeed like an enterity I let it go back over to Cardinal again, who cried out anew as he pulled back and forth, pulling my arms and legs towrads him.

Montain Lion walked over to a wall switch and hit a button, and suddenly the mad game of Who to Torment stopped, as we both fought to catch our breaths. "That was just a five-minute sample", he said. "After several hours of this, both of you will beg me for the chance to become my mindless slaves!"

"NEVER!", I cried in classic superheroic fashion.

"Oh no?", Mountain Lion said. "Five heroes in lycra have already gladly surrendered to me, in exchange for not being tortured like this any more, and for all the lycra they can wear! I have most of the lycra out there, you see!"

"You cruel villan!", Cardinal shouted to him. "The world needs spandex!"

"Not when I rule it!", Mountain Lion said as he walked over to where a large colored ball was, under a chain that went to the ceiling.

"Now, the other thing I didn't mention to you two is that if you stay perfectly still-- then the equipment you're wearing stays off. But the _slightest_ movement, even anything hitting the log you two are tied to, will set it off."

With that, he picked up the colored ball and hooked it to the chain, and pulling it back, pushed it forward so it swung across the room. "This ball is made of melted lycra", he said mockingly towards us. And when the earth rotates a little bit more, it will probably collide with your log and give you guys the chance to really suffer heroically. And much as I'd love to stay, I have to thwart the next lycra shipment coming along. It's way down in Florida, so I'll probably be awhile!"

He walked towards the door, leaving us helpless, tied up with butt plugs and vibrators down our tights. "Oh yes", he said, stopping. "Because easing your own suffering increases the other's, you will have the most merciless torturer that you've ever faced. Each other! HAHAHAAAAAAA!", he laughed maniacally as the metal door slammed, leaving Cardinal and I in this mad predicament.

I looked over at the lycra ball swinging back and forth before us. "Now we're in for it!", I commented.

* * * * * * * *

Oh no! Super Jayhawk and the Mighty Cardinal are trapped in a fiendish plug! (Two of them actually, with all the accessories!) How will they get out of this one? Will they restore affordable lycra clothing to the free world? Will either of them be able to look at an electric toothbrush again? Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of... Birds in Spandex!