Best Laid Plans

Larry's white Audi rolled up the driveway. He stepped out, walked around the front, headed for my back door. I met him half way.

"Hey, Larry."

"Uh, uh hi, Julian."

Then came an uncomfortable silence. I let it stretch a bit.

"Not what you were expecting, hm?"

"What?"

"Me and not Lady Di. I used her phone to text you. She's waiting for you around back. Come on."

I led him down the drive and across the patio.

"What the...?"

At the edge of the patio was a hole and in the hole was a naked, bound Diane.

"Julian ... what the fuck's going on here? Get her out of there!"

"Uh uh. You were planning a romantic weekend, well you'll have one. Just you and her ... in the hole."

"Julian, this is sick. Get her out!"

"No. You get in. Strip and climb in with her."

"Julian-"

"Do it, Larry."

"Fuck you!"

I reached into a box on a side table, pulled out a couple sets of handcuffs and the Taser. I pointed it at him.

"800,000 volts, Larry. I hear it's not pleasant."

"Julian, what the fucks going on?"

"You and Lady Di are going to go AWOL this weekend. Then I'm going to call Elinore and Dean Jacobs and when you lose your wife, and more importantly your wife's money, you'll lose your tenure. I've got it all figured out, Larry. You disappear, I take your car and your credit card and get a motel room. No one who knows us would confuse us, but we're similar enough that when I wear your signature cap and glasses, well, it'll fool a stranger. I've got proof you've been screwing around, Larry. Hired a detective and everything. I've got reports, photos, the whole nine yards. Come Monday I'll turn it all over to your wife and the dean."

"Is that what this is about? Tenure?"

"Damn right. I've paid my dues, then you waltz in and become the golden boy. We're both up for the slot, but you know who'll get it."

"Larry, listen, don't do this. There's something-"

"Shut it!"

I aimed the gun at his chest.

"Not one more word."

He stood there, staring. I waited.

"Won't tell you again."

I aimed the gun at Diane.

"Or maybe I'll zap her instead.

"No! No. Okay. Just put that thing down, okay?"

"Not 'til your nekid and in the hole."

Grabbing Diane was easy enough. She treats me like a doormat, so it was a total surprise when I grabbed her and cuffed her, plastered the tape over her mouth. I cut off her t-shirt and shorts then tied her. Started at her neck and worked my way down, wrapped the rope around her body, knotted it every couple of inches. She wouldn't be going anyplace anytime soon.

Larry stepped over to the hole.

"Julian, she's your daughter for Christ's sake."

"Technically no. Not even my stepdaughter. Sheila and I never married and I never adopted her. I promised Sheila I'd look after her and I have. But she's nothing more than a foul-mouthed little bitch, lives in my house, eats my food, never misses a chance to cuss me out. She was a brat at 14 and five years have done nothing to improve things."

I gestured with the Taser.

"In."

Larry climbed into the shallow trench.

"Snuggle right up against her. Put your arms around her."

He did and I fastened a set of cuffs on his wrists. I fastened another set on his ankles after leading one cuff between Diane's ankles.

I grabbed the PVC T and pressed a length of hose to the end. I pealed the tape from Diane's mouth.

"Julian, please-"

"Please? Please? I didn't know that word was in your vocabulary. Fuck you? Sure. Asshole? You bet. Please? Uh uh. Open!"

She hesitated for a moment, but opened her mouth. I pushed one end of the T in. Larry leaned in and took the other end. I pulled a clear plastic bag over their heads, poked a hole for the tube, fastened it around their necks with a zip tie. It drew them closer, face to face.

I buried them.

I worked quickly, cover their feet and legs, their torsos, finally their heads. The trench was shallow. There was only a couple of inches of dirt on them. They could easily stand and, even cuffed, hobble away, so I replaced the patio tiles. They were thick, heavy things. Not a crushing weight spread out as they were, but I doubted they'd be able to break free.

I stood there for a minute listening to silence and then it dawned on me, neither of them had made a peep. I'd have expected something from Diane. Maybe some tears, or a cuss word or two or three. But there was nothing. Absolute stillness.

I made good on my threat. Since I let my beard grow we looked similar enough that the desk clerk barely glanced at Larry's license. I asked for a room around back, parked the car, and carried in the plastic bags. I distributed the empty beer cans and wine bottles around the room, mussed up the bed, dumped towels here and there. I even had a half-eaten pizza and a couple of boxes of chicken bones.

I put the Do Not Disturb sign on the knob, called a cab, and left.

It was a long weekend. I second guessed myself, third guessed myself, started to go outside and dig them up a couple of times. But Sunday came and I cabbed back to the motel and drove Larry's Audi back to my place.

Once I removed the tiles, getting them out was easy. I didn't have to dig, just brush the dirt off of them. I cut the ropes of Diane, unlocked the cuffs, hosed them both off. They were unsteady and a bit groggy. Not surprising being two days with no food or water, not to mention the ordeal of being buried.

In the house I handed them each a bottle of water and put some soup on the stove. They held hands, but didn't say anything.

I dished out the soup and gave them more water.

"You didn't have to do this, you know."

"I may have the reputation for being a doormat, but I'll be damned if you get tenure."

"Oh, I'm going to get tenure-"

"Like hell!"

"At Coastal."

"What?!"

"More soup?"

I dished out two more bowls.

"Coastal? What the hell has Coastal got to do with it?"

He chuckled.

"You had a good plan, Julian. You just missed a couple of key points. In a way you were spot on. In another, well..."

"Such as?"

"Such as I love Diane."

"Oh come on. You've screwed half the coeds."

"Not quite half. But, yeah, I've had a few."

He gave me a hard look.

"This is different."

I barked out a laugh.

"Seriously. And you were right about getting divorced. And you were right about money buying me tenure, but the dean knows about us and so that's gone out the window. And I won't be getting Elinore's money. None. Not even a dime."

"But generations of Elinore's family have gone to Coastal along with their money. They have a certain amount of, er, pull, as it were. So I'll be going there and Diane will go with me. It's part of the divorce settlement. I won't go after Elinore's money if she gets me a tenured gig. And she has."

"I don't believe this."

"Oh, believe it. And I even put in a good word for you with the dean."

"Oh, Christ."

He shrugged.

"Can't hurt."

They padded out of the room, came back a few minutes later dressed, looking better, but still a bit rough around the edges. Still holding hands.

"So everything worked out the way you wanted, but not the way you planned. You get tenure, I'm out of the picture and so is Diane."

"Yeah."

"Oh and by the way, that burying thing?"

He gave me the thumb up.

"It got old after a few hours, but it was fun for a while."

"What?! You have to be shittin' me."

"No, Julian. Dead serious. You never knew what a sick, perverted bastard I am. One of the reasons I dated so many of the girls was I was hoping to find my counterpart. Well, I found her. Diane is a kinky and obedient little subbie."

He raised her hand and kissed it.

"Aren't you?"

"Yes, Sir."

Sir? Sir?! What the...

"Like I said, after the initial shock wore off and before it got boring it was pretty okay. You said I was going to get to spend some quality time with her. You just didn't know how right you were."

He laughed. Diane stepped over to me and kissed me on the cheek.

"I'm sorry I've been a bitch. It's just after the divorce I lost my father and then you came along, then Mom got sick, and everything, and it just messed me up. Sorry. I'll come by next week and get my things."

I watched them climb into the car, back out of the driveway. I stood there long after the car disappeared looking at my reflection. It looked back.

"What the hell just happened?"

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02.03.13