Don't Piss-Off the Engineers

Friday – Project Meeting

The Boss is not happy with progress of the new features of their “Home of the Future – Self-Cleaning Shower.” The system keeps stalling during the cleaning process.

“If this is not in working order by Monday, some of you will be looking for new jobs!”

Several of the engineers try to refute there is a problem with the Shower Stall, but they are shut-down by the Boss.

“Meeting adjourned”

The engineers work on the “problems” all day and late into the evening. They believe they have fixed the problems by the time they all head home, very early Saturday morning. Programming is complete, and just requires some further testing that will be dealt with early Monday Morning.

********

The Boss is notorious for working weekends and is quite miffed when there is not one of the engineers on the Shower Stall team at work Saturday Morning.

Before getting to work, the Boss blows off some steam in the work-out room, and after a nice intense and sweaty workout, he heads up to his office to take a shower in his private bathroom.

Little does the Boss know, but the adjustments to the shower stall that the Engineers made were not made to the prototype, but to the shower in the Boss’ private bathroom.

The Boss steps into his private bathroom’s shower stall after working out.

His weight activates the newly installed pressure plate in the floor and the walls expand upward to seal off the shower stall. All the fixtures retract into the walls, and are replaced by stainless steel compartment covers. The shower stall now resembles a very large aquarium – two stainless steel walls and two glass walls.

The Boss is sealed into the stall.

The lighting in the room changes abruptly – only the inside of the shower stall chamber is lit – a recorded voice calmly announces: “Self-Cleaning Shower Test Sequence Commencing.”

********

The Head Engineer’s phone vibrates. She receives a notification that the Test Sequence has been activated. She thinks it must be a bug in the program, and tries to override the system, but she only succeeds in setting the system into its Heavy Duty Cycle – “Oh, well. It can wait until Monday.”

********

The robotic voice announces: “Pre-Soak Sequence Commencing.”

The panel in the stall’s ceiling opens and a long rod telescopes down into the chamber – at the tip of the rod are several spray-type nozzles.

The Boss watches as the rod elongates into his space, or what he thought was his space. He is looking up as it is lowered. As it drops into the shower stall, the interior of the stall is doused with a deluge of hot water from above soaking him from top to bottom.

The shower’s interior and the Boss are soaked and the rod with the spray nozzles having reached the tiled floor of the shower begins rotating. From the rotating head emits thick, white foam that coats and clings to the showers surfaces. Since the machine only knows what it is programmed to do, and the Boss shouldn’t be in the chamber, he also is coated from foot-to-head. His attempts at getting away are futile, while as he tries to hide himself from the spray foam he only succeeds in getting himself coated more thoroughly – finishing with the Boss turning toward the center just in time to have his face coated as though it were the stainless steel walls of the stall. Having done its job, the rod retracts into the ceiling.

The Boss is so surprised by the onslaught of the foam, he doesn’t notice that the lamps lighting the stall begin to burn brighter, creating some heat inside the enclosed walls of the shower.

The heat created by the lamps begins activating the cleaning properties of the foam. The enzymes in the foam begin eating away at the soap scum – in this case the Boss’ skin. Nothing serious, but enough to cause him discomfort, and the ability to see how well this project actually works.

The foam does not degrade, but continues eating at his skin; the Boss can hardly stand still from the discomfort. After its ten minute pre-soak, the voice announces: “First Rinse Commencing.”

A barrage of cold water pummels the boss and the stall removing all traces of the enzymatic foam. After a couple of minutes a shivering, wet, Boss with reddened skin stands in the middle of the shower stall dripping on the floor. He stands there a moment before the next announcement meets his ears – “Cleaning Sequence Commencing.”

********

The Head Engineer’s phone vibrates once again. Notification stating that the Cleaning Sequence is starting appears. She is given the choice of Light-Duty, Normal, and Heavy-Duty. She smiles, “Heavy-Duty it is!” – Even though she doesn’t know the consequences of her selection.

********

The Boss stands there dripping like a cold, shivering, wet thing. He is awaiting the treatment programmed into the Self-Cleaning Shower Stall he is overseeing. His eyes widen as he hears the announcement – “Cleaning Sequence Commencing.” He lets out a small cry when he hears – “Heavy-Duty Processing Selected.”

He stands there soaking-wet, taking this in as an 8-inch diameter cylinder telescopes up from the floor, and its twin, from the ceiling. They make contact, and become one. The cylinder is made of alternating channels of scrubbing material and sponge material. The surface of the cylinder is flexible so that is can conform to corners and in the case of today’s testing, the shape of anything in the way of it completing its job.

Foam with less viscosity begins to spray from the ceiling, a bit of a bleach smell to it. The foam starts also starts to ooze down the cylinder coating it. The Boss begins to be covered by the foam and it begins running down his body, as though it is flowing from his head. Smelling the bleach odor, he closes his eyes and backs into a corner trying to escape the foam. His bad luck holding out, has backed into the corner the scrubbing cylinder moves toward, and trapping him in the corner between the walls and the slowly spinning cylinder. Not only is it spinning on its axis is now begins shifting up and down every 6 inches or so – creating a wave-like path to its scrubbing and wiping.

The cylinder has found the Boss, and though it has found him, it only knows one job – scouring that shower stall to like new condition. The Boss is finding out how well his engineers have planned, built and implemented this project. More than he ever wanted to. Every inch of the boss is being treated to the cleaning only the shower should experience. Each scrubbing pad is doing its job, and hitting its mark and digging into the Boss’ skin. The scrubbing pads also burnishing him like the tiles and stainless steel. The sponge’s wiping action not only removing the grime from the tile and stainless steel, but the top layer of the Boss’ skin. The longer the foam cleaner sits on the Boss, the better he gets disinfected, as though he were a part of the shower - being made usable for the shower’s next consumer. After this initial attack by the cylinder, and being put back into “like new” condition, the Boss cowers in the corner as the machine continues cleaning the remainder of the stall.

********

A notification pops-up on the Head Engineers phone… She smiles, and thinks, “Finally it made it past the cleaning phase. I guess it is working now. She texts the team, that all is well, no need to go into work until Monday Morning.

********

“Final Rinse Commencing.” The Boss emerges from his fetal position and stands up he wants this cleaner off him and he wants to get out of the shower stall. Very hot, almost scalding water cascades down all the surfaces and from the ceiling. It is doing its job of removing any remaining residue from the walls and floor – and in this case the Boss. This program is doing its job as every last inch of him is bright red. He stands there for a moment drip-drying and, “Drying Cycle Commencing” - the dryer kicks in – Hot air and heat lamps.

Between the heat of the lamps and the heat of the swirling air he is being dried, bone dry, as are the walls and floor of the chamber. Once completed the whirr of the fans winds down, and the heat from the heat lamp subsides. The Boss finally is able to catch his breath. A small port from the center of the ceiling opens and another pipe telescopes downward – this one has several nozzles on bottom of the pipe. It stops and the Boss is staring at it at face level. “Mildew Inhibitor Sequence Commencing,” says the announcement… and a light mist quickly fills up the shower stall coating every surface. As the mist begins to subside, the pipe telescopes back into the ceiling.

“Cleaning Cycle Complete in 10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…”

The lights return to normal in his private bathroom. The Boss looks up as the walls retreat, no longer sealing him in the stall. The Boss has had enough of this. He steps toward the opening in the shower stall glass. The walls close and reseal to the ceiling. The lighting in the room changes abruptly – only the inside of the shower stall chamber is lit – a recorded voice calmly announces: “Self-Cleaning Shower Test Sequence Commencing.”

It is only Saturday Morning.

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02.05.16